That's right. Time to take that big orange pill and get ready for the Ho Chi Minh two-step.
$ Sugar and spice and all things nice $
$ Kisses sweeter than wine $
$ Sugar and spice and all things nice $
$ You know that little girl is mine $
$ Everybody stops and stares at my baby $
[ Continues, Faint ]
We're back. Here's the news. All the news that's new and approved by the U.S. Army,
the sweetest-smelling army in the world.
[ lmitates Teletype ]
Great Britain recognized the island state of Singapore.
How do you recognize an island? You go, exc-- Hey, wait. No, don't tell me.
Wait, didn't we meet last year at the Feinman bar mitzvah?
You look a lot like Hawaii. Didn't we meet last year at the Peninsula Club? No.
Pope Paul Vl celebrated a mass in ltalian. Call me crazy! He's in Rome.
One day I want to meet him, kiss his ring, and have it go, whrrr!
The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today.
What is a protective dike? A large woman by the river going, "Don't go near there"?
"But Betty--" "Don't go near there. Get away from the river."
We can't use the word "dyke." You can't even say "lesbian." It's women in comfortable shoes.
Now here's the weather. Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, how's it going?
"Adrian, I'm with somebody. Don't even come here and bother me right now."
Thanks. Can't you give us a little weather?
"I'm on the balcony, trying to score. Back off!"
What's the weather like? "You got a window? Open it."
Thank you, Roosevelt. We'll have to go all the way to Washington Weather Central,
to Walter Cronkite. Walter, what's the weather like?
[ lmitating Walter Cronkite ] I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt,
"What it is, what it shall be, what it was."
Weather out there today is hot and shitty,
with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon.
Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming from the north.
Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon roundup.
Okay, we're gonna hit some songs at you right now. Coming your way!
What the hell was that? Crappy weather, shitty weather?
- Comedy, sir. - Comedy? No, no. This is not comedy.
- Comedy is fun, it's antics, hysterical-type things. - Hysterical-type things?
- Airman Cronauer requesting you to elaborate. - Antics, damn it.
Comedy of errors, like the Keystone Cops falling down. General wackiness like that.
That's a sight gag. How would anyone see you fall down on the radio?
- No, no, no, no. Not literally falling down. - Wouldn't work on the radio.
- See, sir? - I mean, in the spirit of the Keystone Cops.
- It wouldn't work. - I don't think anybody would see you fall through a radio.
- l-lf a field radio-- - What are you doing here?
- I thought I'd come help smooth things out. - Don't help and don't smooth.
And you are not funny, but you are a maniac,
and you better start changing your life.
- [ Screaming On Record ] - Sir?
Thank you for that constructive criticism.
It's a privilege to take comedy notes from a man of your stature.
Fine.
Just don't let it happen again.
Whoa.
In the dictionary under "asshole," it says "see him."
Why am I here? We're gonna play some music for you right now.
Here we go. Here's a little James Brown coming your way.
Baby, help me, please.
[ James Brown Screams ] $ I feel good $
$ I knew that I would now $
$ I feel good $
$ I knew that I would now $
$ So good So good $
$ I got you $
[ Screams With James Brown ] Ow! Back again.
Heh-ow! Ooh. Ow!
$ When I hold you in my arms $
$ I know that l can't do no wrong $
$ And when I hold you in my arms $
$ My love can't do me no harm $
$ And I feel nice Like sugar and spice $
$ I feel nice $
- $ Like sugar and spice $ - [ Cronauer ] $ Sugar and spice $
- $ Ha-ha! So nice $ - $ So nice $
- $ So nice, I got you $ - [ Cronauer ] $ So good! Oh! $
- [ Screams ] - $ I feel good $
Tell 'em, James. Hurt 'em, now. Ha-ha!
Good God, help me! Work through it. Ow!
$ I feel good $
$ I knew that I would $
$ So good So good $
- Sir, Walter Cronkite lives in New Jersey. - It was a joke, sir.
- Sarcasm, sir. - Up in Bergen County.
- That's a form of humor, sir. - Hackensack!
- How do I know? - I'll make sure he gets the message.
- We're pretty happy with him too, sir. - I'm sure that wasn't Walter Cronkite.
- I will tell him, sir. - Didn't I speak to you before?
[ Cronauer Laughing ] Very good!
All right, now. Let's recap now. Okay.
- If someone is not telling you the truth, they are full of-- - [ Together ] Shit!
- Shit. Okay. - [ Laughing ]
Okay, if someone is making you angrier and angrier, therefore you have--
- [ Together ] Pissed me off. - Pissed me off!
- [ Laughing ] - Okay.
Join the others if you can.
If you say that some people are in a car-- some gypsies, they cut you off.
- All of a sudden you-- - Flip them the bird. - The bird!
[ All Laughing ]
Very good. Okay. We got a special situation right now.
There's a Puerto Rican waitress. She brings you red soup, some tomato soup.
Oh, she slips, she spills it on your brand-new gaberdine pants...
that you paid more than a color TV for.
- You're angry, so you say to her-- Minh? - Uh, look what you did...
and goddamn it and stupid and crap.
That's stupid. You don't call someone crap.
No, you step on crap. You don't call it to a person.
- You can step on crap. - They can be full of shit. He said.
No, no. You see, you step in shit, you can be full of crap.
I'm pretty sure you can step in crap. I once saw it in a French movie.
How can some person look like a shit? It's impossible.
We can stop with the debate on the great ca-ca right now. Let's try a special situation.
Wilkie, something special. You go into a restaurant, okay?
A waitress comes up to you. You're wearing your best new suit.
She spills soup all over you, looks at you like,
"I'm sorry. What are you gonna do about it, asshole?" What do you say to her?
They spilled something on your pants. What would you do?
I do nothing.
Wilkie, it's cursing class. You're getting pissed off. What would you do?
I just remain reticent.
She goes in the kitchen, she gets a knife, she starts stabbing you.
She's stabbing you. She's putting forks in you. She's got spoons in your eyes.
They're starting to cut you, putting spoons in your eyes. What would you do?
- I'm waiting to die. - [ All Laughing ]
Mr. Cronauer, we like your lessons better than the book.
- When we play baseball? - When you teaching us softball?
First, spring training. When I think you're ready, I'll try.
- Where you come from? - Queens. Bayside, Queens.
- What are Queens? - Tall, thin men who like show tunes.
Big men with moustaches named Mary who wear mascara.
[ Speaking Vietnamese ]
- [ All Laughing ] - Yeah, lakai! Lakai!
What is a lakai?
Relax, already, crazy American.
- I make a date with you and Trinh tomorrow. - You did?
Nearby the larch tree, near Viet Hoa,
by the food and flower vendors where you burn your mouth on the noodles.
- Where's that? - The noodles, remember? When you burned your mouth.
- Oh, gosh, yeah. - But I warn you, you not like it when you get there.
- You say it ridiculous. - That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- Hi. - [ Together ] Hi!
Oh, God. This could be very ugly. Hi.
- [ Chattering In Vietnamese ] - Chaperons.
- [ Baby Crying ] - In Vietnam, family often come...
to meet someone-- to meet someone.
Hello. Hey. Well, the gang's all here, huh? Ha-ha.
Oh, God. This is wonderful.
Well, you know, you're very beautiful.
You're also very quiet.
I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated.
Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook 'em up to a wind turbine...
and they could power a small New Hampshire town.
You talk, I think, very much.
Well, you see, I'm not used to going on a date with a grand jury,
and it makes me a little nervous.
I don't want makes you nervous, "Cronow."
I knows you very nice.
And for trusting, you is the best...
on the gently of what you say,
or never to be for both the same and another.
Well, I had you there, babe, but then you lost me at the end.
Hey, hey. Hey, Uncle Phil.
- Hey, there you go. Whoa! Got one for you. - [ Vietnamese ]
Hey, there we go. For you. Here we go. For you.
Knock yourselves out.
What's 1/13th of a dollar among friends? Come on.
No problem. They're having a great--
Uh--
Hey, listen, I know there's no way.
But it doesn't mean we can't have a few laughs.
Hey, I'll take whatever you can give...
'cause I'm just happy to be with you.
You want to see a movie or something?
- We must to ask the people. - Hey, that's no problem.
Attention, shoppers. People. People, settle.
"Under the Boardwalk"? You know that one?
"Shout" by the lsley Brothers. Do you know that?
- You know any American songs at all? - "Puff the Magic Dragon."
You know "Puff the Magic Dragon"? Can you sing it?
Puff the Magic Dragon
- Living by the tree - That's wonderful.
Hey. Twelve, please.
- [ Vietnamese ] - [ lmitating Vietnamese ]
Take a blanket made for two now
Add a boy and a girl
That's a game for me and you now
Yeah Let's give it a whirl
Beach blanket bingo
That's the name of the game
[ Vietnamese ]
My thoughts exactly.
Why can't I read this? It's what's going on now.
- They'd never approve of that being released. - That's censorship, Edward.
- That's not what America is all about. - We're not in America, sir.
Can we not get into this now? We're in the middle of a show.
You could put amphetamine freaks to sleep with this shit.
"Agreement on Guam"? Sounds like bird droppings. Here's something exciting.
"Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill." Sounds like a children's story.
- I'm reading this. - No, I can't let you do that.
- Don't you ever do anything that's not by the book? - Not when I get into trouble.
You know, Eddie, sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble.
It's called fun. What's that? Come on.
Take some chances once in a while, Edward. That's what life's all about.
- Find anything? - No, I'll have to make something up.
Hey, we're back.
That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walking In The Wind."
Now here are the headlines. [ lmitating Teletype ]
Ah! They're coming at you. Pope found to be Jewish. Liberace is Anastasia.
And Ethel Merman jams Russian radar.
The East Germans today claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank.
The Pope decided to release Vatican-related bath products, an incredible thing.
It's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope.
Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you!
Ethel Merman today uses a test to jam Russian radar. Here's a brief test.
[ Loud ] $ Oh, I've got a feeling $
$ That love is here to stay $$
When asked for a reply, the Russians went, "What the hell was that?"
[ lmitates Teletype ] Here's a news flash.
Today President Johnson passed a highway beautification bill.
The bill said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on public highways.
Hey, we got a great show coming your way today.
Former Vice President Richard Nixon's in town.
The big Dick is here. Get ready.
I think there's an incredible coincidence here. He sounds exactly like Mr. Ed.
You be the judge. [ lmitating Nixon ] I tell you this.
[ lmitating Mr. Ed ] Wilbur, come in the room. An incredible coincidence.
Some more songs. Moving on, moving on into the dawn...
with the dawnbusters, yeah!
-$ Well, if you want me it's all right $ -$ It's all right $
$ It's all right $
-$ Well, if you want me it's all right $ -$ It's all right $
$ It's all right $
The requests will be taken pretty soon. Where am I gonna take requests?
Where do you call from? "Yeah, I'm in a phone booth out in the D.M.Z.
- I'm trying to call you right now." - $ I think that you're mine $
Lock and loll, baby. Lock and loll.
$ How I long to believe ya How I long to believe ya $
$ If you want me it's all right $
- $ It's all right, It's all right $ - $ It's all right $
- $ It's all right $
- $ If you want me it's all right $ - Believe!
$ Ohh $
Again we've got our friend from military intelligence.
Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here?
"We found out that we can't find them.
They're out there, and we're having a major difficulty...
in finding the enemy."
Well, what do you use to look for them?
"Well, we ask people, 'Are you the enemy?'
And whoever says yes, we shoot them."
- $ All right, It's all right $ - $ It's all right $
"It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie.
They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that.
It's very difficult for me."
$ Coming home It feels nice $$
Is it true that you've actually, um--
You're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing?
"Nerve-- uh, gas?"
Yes, have you used any?
"Well, once, yes, on myself.
And it had no-- Whoa! Whoa! No effect on me.
I've had no actual-- Whoa! She-hoo!
Whoa! Whoa! Big dogs! Big dogs landing on my face!
I don't know what that means."
Hey, that's it for me. I'm out of here.
That's the end of the Adrian Cron Hour, but I'm gonna turn you over to Mr. Warmth,
Dan "The Tan" Levitan!
[ Laughs ] Thank you so much, Adrian.
Adrian Cronauer, G.I.s, a wacky and welcome addition...
- to AFRS, Radio Saigon. - Nixon's press conference.
Wait 'til you hear it. He's this far from sincerity.
No, man, listen. Let me just feed my face. Come on.
Where do you imagine you're going?
- Just going to get a little something to eat. - You don't have time.
You'll stay here and drink instant beverage or something.
We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4:00 p.m.
I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.
- That's a joke, right? I get it. - No, I'm actually hungry.
Well, I'm actually giving you an order.
Oh, it's an order. In that case, gentlemen, let's edit.
Thank you. Mm-mmm, Campbell's
Aha! Ha! Earl!
Ha, you again. No more fighting, okay?
Oh, you got-- James! Nice, shiny green suit.
- You look like an Oriental leprechaun. - You like it?
I got it in Hong Kong,
home of the shiny green suit.
[ Nixon On Radio ] And therefore, there is no place for neutrality...
or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam.
As I leave Vietnam today, there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind...
- That's Nixon. - but that the Viet Cong will be defeated...
and that this war will be won.
Asia does involve, I think, very appropriately as you have suggested, give and take.
[ Cronauer ] I really didn't make that suggestion, sir. I'm sorry.
[ Nixon ] The United States has no right to give.
- Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape? - I don't know, Lieutenant.
[ Nixon ]...its territory to the Communists.
[ Cronauer ] Mr. Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary,
but I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal for the men in the field.
How would you describe your testicles?
[ Nixon ] That they're soft, that they're shallow, that they have no purpose.
- Oh, my God. - [ Cronauer ] What are you saying, sir?
[ Nixon ] That they lack the physical strength.
- How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat? - Uh, it is unexciting sometimes.
Well, have you considered a sex change? There is an operation that can transform you...
- Please don't do this to me. - into a female Great Dane...
- Please don't do this to me! - or a very well-hung Chihuahua.
Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, it's rumored that you smoked marijuana.
Are you planning, sir, to take some of the marijuana home, back to the United States?
- How would you do that? - [ Nixon ] By plane,
by helicopter and also by automobile.
I was wondering if you could do your Mr. Ed, because I know people love that.
Cut that thing off. I said cut it off!
- Sir. - Where is Cronauer?
- Still eating, sir. - I want to see him A.S.A.P.
- What, sir? - As soon as possible.
- V.G., sir. - We interrupt this broadcast...
to bring you an emergency selection of the Benny Goodman Orchestra.
[ Hauk ] We simply need to consider taking him off the air.
[ Taylor ] Lieutenant, we get hundreds, maybe thousands of calls and letters each week.
Fan mail. He's the first man in the history of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail.
Every G.I. in this country is glued to his radio twice a day...
at 0600 hours and 1600 hours to hear that lunatic.
Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency.
He did a very off-color parody of former V.P. Nixon.
- I thought it was hilarious. - Respectfully, sir,
the former V.P. is a good man and a decent man.
Bullshit! I know Nixon personally.
He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilize the Sinai.
I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, and I consider him a close, personal friend.
Let's get down to business here, General. What the hell's goin' on here?
We've got a mounting crisis in this country. We've got a deejay that the men dearly love.
If you two have personal problems, solve them, will you?
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Thank you, Lieutenant!
Speak your piece, Dick.
Due respect, sir. I have over 15 years command experience in this army.
Do you really expect me to run this radio station with nothin' to say and no way to do it?
Right now, yes.
Yes, sir.
This is not over yet.
If somebody wants you
- Why are you still here? - Sparky. Sittin' back, havin' a cup of formaldehyde here.
You say after you go out with Trinh, you meet me to talk and discuss about her.
- There's nothing to discuss. She doesn't like me. - Yes, she do.
- No, she don't. - She do liking you. She want to meet you today.
- She's not far from here. - I can't. I gotta be back on the air again at 4:00.
You have to meet her today. Otherwise you miss your big chance.
- Don't want to miss my big chance. - Yes. Come. We go.
- You sound like you learned English from Tonto. "Come. We go." - Come on.
Okay.
I still can't believe she really wants to see me.
- Yeah. - I guess that beach movie really impressed her, huh?
I gotta get her something. Uh, what about bananas?
- No. - No, that doesn't say the right thing. You're right.
How 'bout--
[ Townspeople Screaming, Shouting ]
- [ Confused Shouting ] - [ Man ] Oh, my God!
- [ Crying ] - [ Siren Wailing ]
[ Crying ]
[ Shouting, Whistle Blowing ]
-[Radio Broadcast, Faint ] - Oh, my God.
Oh, my bar! Why they do that?
- You can't just leave 'em in this shit here. Come on. - This boy's gone.
Get back.
[ Radio ]...fire is worse, and the fire is lapping the outside of the building.
[ Radio Continues, Faint ]
Hey, where's he going?
What do you think you're doing? You know you're forbidden to read anything not checked by--
- What's there to check? I was there. It happened. - Airman, you know the rules.
If this is a legitimate news story, it must go through proper channels.
Listen, Tweedle-dee, it's an actual event. Where do you think this came from, shaving?
It's the truth. I just want to report the truth. It'd be a nice change of pace.
- What's goin' on here? - Sir, will you listen to me?
This is not official news, Airman. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.
- It did happen-- - You shut your mouth.
What are you afraid of, Dickerson? People might find out there's a war goin' on?
This news is not official, Airman.
You want everyone going under the assumption it's perfectly safe here, don't you?
Well, it's not. The fighting's not just in the hills.
It's downtown. It's a couple of fuckin' blocks--
I said it is none of your goddamn business!
I see your point. I'm sorry.
I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners, I get a little dizzy.
Thanks for settin' me straight.
I'll be okay.
That about wraps it up for me, Marty Lee, filling in for my buddy...
vacationing Eddie Kirk, who, despite all your requests, will return tomorrow.
Right now, it's once again time for the King Kong of Saigon,
Adrian Cronauer.
Good morning, Vietnam!
Hey, I know it's not the morning, but that's my trademark...
and "good evening" sounds too depressing.
Hey, we're goin' right now to the news. [ lmitating Teletype ]
[ Sighs ] From England, today...
Princess Margaret threw a shoe!
Easy, Madge. Also, uh, Elizab-- Queen Elizabeth, Liz, Elizabeth Taylor!
Elizabeth Taylor. She's still married after six months.
- Way to go, Liz. Hey! - [ Squealing ]
All right! In Saigon today, according to official sources,
nothing actually happened.
One thing that didn't officially happen was a bomb didn't officially explode...
at 1430 hours, unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's Cafe.
- Get him out of there. - Three men were unofficially wounded, and two men...
whose identities are still not known at this time are unofficially dead.
- Break the goddamn door down. - Although the police, ambulance and fire department responded,
it's believed to be unofficial at this present moment.
Turn the power off in that studio. Turn it off! Now!
[ Cronauer ] I just wanted to think that you should--
[ Teletype Clattering ]
The man should be court-martialed, sir.
You think this is the most serious set of affairs I have to address this week?
- Well, it's not. - I can't believe you're gonna pass on this, General.
- The man is a goddamned subversive. - He made a mistake, Dick.
Mistake, sir? I don't want to be around when he broadcasts U.S. troop movements...
to the other side.
I run the station according to strict guidelines set by military intelligence.
Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms.
Sir, the man is a walking keg of dynamite.
In the eight weeks he's been on the air, General, he's disobeyed orders as to style and content.
He's read unofficial news. What's he gonna be like in six months?
What's he gonna be like when he's ten times as popular, General?
How easy is it gonna be to get him off the air then?
Who'll do the Cronauer show?
Well, Hauk can do it, sir, till I find a replacement.
Okay, for now, suspend him.
Sir, you've made the correct choice.
[ lmitating Ed Sullivan ] Well, right here on our show, Diana Ross and the "Suprawns."
[ Cheering ] Set me free why don't you, babe
Set me free why don't you, babe
You don't really need me You just keep me steamin' on
Thank you very much. Let me introduce the members of the band. Larry, Pisces.
- Thank you very much. - [ Speaking Vietnamese ]
- What'd he say? - He say you drink too much already.
Well, tell him I drink so I can be this funny.
[ Speaking Vietnamese ]
It's not funny at all, he said.
Tell him thanks. It's nice to bomb in another language.
You will get sick if you drink some more. Come on.
My village not too far from here. You could come there for resting.
You could see how we live.
Listen, Sparky, I don't think seeing your little production of Our Town is gonna cheer me up.
- You see Trinh there. - I'll drive.
Red leather, yellow leather. Red-- Led-- Red, red leather, yellow leather.
- Red leather, yellow leather-- - Sir, sir.
Reading the news is one thing, but this stuff you wrote, i-it's not funny, sir. It's sad.
Sir? I'm begging you. Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood.
I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it.
I've got pages and pages of great material. Right, Abersold?
I'm afraid you're gonna be hittin' bottom, sir.
If it isn't funny, then why did l hear you laughing when you typed it?
I was thinking of something else.
Thank you for your support. Now I've got a show to do.
Sir, you're not funny. Ask around.
Ask me. Sir, with all due respect,
uh, I think you're gonna-- you might lay an egg-- I mean a big egg.
I mean, I know funny, and I don't think you're it. But hey, such is life.
Me, I'm not much with power tools.
Hey, that was the great, exciting sound of Petula Clark.
- Beach Boys. Those were guys. - Of The Beach Boys.
Hey, that wraps it up for me, Marty Lee Dreiwitz.
Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment,
but boy, do I have a surprise for you.
Don't build him up. You'll only let 'em down--
Please welcome to the microphone the lieutenant of laughs,
the officer of oral, the Westmoreland of wit,
swingin' Steven Hauk!
Hello, Vietnam. And greetings.
Soon, the news. Then:
[ Bad French Accent ] Lieutenant Steve! Lieutenant Steve!
[ American Accent ] Who's that?
It's me, your old pal Frenchy. Listen, Frenchy, let me ask you something.
Do you like good food? Oh, but of course. Uh, the French love good food.
Well, then, I guess that would make you an "Eatie Gourmet."
- [ Honking Horn ] - Oh, ho, ho, ho, Lieutenant Steve.
[ Laughing ] Oh, Frenchy.
Oh, ho, ho, Lieutenant Steve.
[ Laughing ] Oh, Frenchy. You know, I really shouldn't kid Frenchy,
because sometimes he "Stan Getz" [ Honking Horn ] mad at me,
and he could "Al Hirt" me. [ Honking ]
Uh, Lieutenant Steve, let's play some music.
Okay, Frenchy. What would you like to hear?
Well, uh, I love a good polka as much as the next man.
Well, a good polka it is for my good friend Frenchy.
[ Polka ]
I think some apologies are in order.
- [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ Polka ]
You're not gonna continue this broadcast, are you, sir?
[ Polka Continues ]
What are they doing?
Oh, they're Buddhists. They're sitting...
for peace, wisdom and knowledge.
They're waiting for enlightenment.
[ Lowing ]
This man lose one son from blasting American mine.
His father and brother was killed by French long ago.
I think it's not fair to him.
[ Clucking ]
[ Whispering ]
[ Villagers Speaking Quietly In Vietnamese ]
[ Squawking ]
[ Baby Crying ]
[ Speaking Vietnamese ]
Look. [ Laughing ]
He's going, "No big deal." Look.
How lovin' can you feel when you got that moment when
Don't you know that the time can be thataway, wacka-wack wacka-wack, wacka-wack
And don't you know that it ain't gonna be and you feel that the time you see
And it all wacka-wack wacka-wacka, wacka-wacka
I know and I'm movin' Look. Up there. Pull. Pow.
Pull. Pow.
[ Whirring ]
You not understand. You not.
We... no future together, Cronow.
My country, maybe no future.
[ Sighs ]
Hey, I like you. I just want to be your friend, okay?
- Mmm, l-- I not can do this, Cronow. - I know it sounds dumb.
No. No friend, Cronow.
Not good for, for me.
My brother, okay, friends.
But Vietnam ladies not friends.
Please. Okay?
Not friends.
[ Sighs ] Great week.
[ Player Piano ]
[ Piano Continues, Tempo Slows ]
That's about as good a polka as you'll ever hear.
- [ Phones Ringing ] - [ Chattering ]
You want Cronauer back on the air.
We've gotten duffel bags filled with information, asking for Cronauer's reinstatement.
The men all hate Hauk. They want Cronauer back.
He's an exhilarating personality, and polkas are just no substitute.
I think I see a pattern forming here.
Sir, these letters are unequivocal. Uh, e.g.
"Hey, Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck."
That's pretty much to the point, sir. Not much gray area in this one.
We got one positive call from some guy in Wichita...
who thought Hauk's comedy was visionary and interesting.
The other 1,100 calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick.
That's a direct quote, sir.
I've taken 90 calls this morning. They just don't like Hauk.
From a marine in Da Nang: "Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls."
I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.
I think the troops are tryin' to tell us somethin', fellas.
Sir, if it is my programming choices, I can change.
I've been broadcasting polkas because l thought a certain segment of the men...
weren't represented by Cronauer's broadcasts of rock and roll.
But I can easily play an occasional Gary Lewis record.
It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas.
Military politics. Nothing personal. The men just like him better than they do you.
He maliciously and with purposeful intent read unofficial news.
No, no, no, no. He made a mistake.
We all make mistakes. Now this thing is a delicate balance over here,
and I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey.
The men want him back, I want him back.
Sir, you heard from the men who don't like my humor, but what about the silent masses who do?
And as far as polkas, they are a much-maligned musical taste.
Lieutenant, you don't know whether you're shot, fucked, powder-burned or snake-bit.
I don't care about polkas.
They're rioting in Hue. We're bringin' in thousands of troops every month.
Terrorism's on the uprise in Saigon.
The problems of this country have not one goddamned thing to do with...
whether you play polkas or don't play polkas.
The men want him back. I want him back.
Reinstate the man.
Sir, in my heart,
I know I'm funny.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
- There you are, sir. - Please don't call me "sir."
- It just came down the pike. You're back on the air, sir. - I'm not goin' on.
What do you mean you're not goin' on?
If you don't understand what I said, maybe you should take my English class.
I'm not goin' on.
Very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed.
- You'll be bored, you know. What are you gonna do with your time? - I don't know.
I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil.
Or I may just stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records.
Try and find some hidden meaning 'cause basically I believe that man is a misunderstood genius.
Genius. What are you saying to me?
I'm sayin' I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin' me what I can't say.
This news isn't official. That comment is too sarcastic.
I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of.
So fuck it. Sorry.
- Is he all right? - No, Phil, he's not all right.
A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right.
- Sir. - Garlick?
I'd like you to collate these one-minute spots prior to broadcast.
You have a problem with that, young man?
-Absolutely not. I live to collate, sir. -Good.
So do l.
[ Humming ]
- "Get A Job." - Get a job. Again.
Yeah, a job. Right.
- You got it. You're cookin' now. - Sir?
- Edward. - I'd like an explanation.
- On anything in particular? - A lot of people went to the mat for you.
Thousands of guys wrote in, called in, tryin' to get you reinstated.
And I literally think that you owe it to all of them to get your ass back on the air.
If you haven't noticed, the Army doesn't really want me, Ed.
They've been harassing me since the day I got off the plane.
So what? It's the guys in the field that matter, remember?
Those are the guys that are dyin'.
Edward, I tried to tell the truth, and they kicked me off the air.
I screw up once more, Dickerson sends me into the field with a rifle. I come home in a box.
What you do is important to a lot of people.
Forget it, will ya? Listen. I give up.
I'm gonna phone 'em in, okay? Enough bullshit. I'm outta here. See you, fellas.
- Buy you some lunch. - Can't let you do that.
Listen, if I don't get to my class, there's gonna be a bunch of Vietnamese...
speaking in short, choppy sentences.
- Look, we gotta talk. We gotta talk now. - Not now, man. Come on.
I can't believe you! What? That's it?
You're gonna leave the whole fuckin' thing behind.
You're gonna leave everything fuckin' hanging. People are depending on you!
Edward, please. That's two nasty words in one year.
- Forgive me. - Hey.
Hey, you wanna give me a ride to school or am I gonna have to buy another bike?
You're pissin' me off.
- What the hell's the holdup? - Check it out.
[ Speaking Vietnamese ]
Garlick, will you cut it out? You're beginning to sound like a priest in a '40s movie.
[ lrish Accent ] We are not firing you when the boys are dependin' on you.
- Gentlemen? - What are you doing, Ed?
Hey, guys. Guess who the hell I got in here.
- Uh-oh. Don't do this shit. - [ Soldier ] Groucho Marx!
- [ Soldier #2 ] Senator Dirksen. - [ Soldier #3 ] Hey, Curly!
-Moe. -Come on, come on, come on. Guess again.
- Oh, bag it. Bag it, Garlick. - The fellow I got in here...
is the gentleman, the one and the only...
- You're a dead man. - king of the airwaves,
Adrian Cronauer.
[ Soldier ] Hey, Peterson, get up here, man. I think we got Cronauer here.
Hey, Cronauer, say "Good morning, Vietnam."
Oh, give me a break, man. It's too hot for radio shit, okay?
- Come on. - Come on!
- How do we know it's Adrian Cronauer? - Okay.
I'll give her the best shot.
Good morning, Vietnam!
[ Cheering ]
[ Soldier ] We love you, Cron!
All right, this is Adrian Cronauer. I'm on at 6:00 and again at 4:00.
Hey, we'd like to welcome you to Vietnam, the country that is more stimulating...
than a strong cup of cappuccino or an espresso enema.
That one's comin' right at you, but first, our fashion report from Sgt. Ernest Lee Sincere.
[ Effeminate Voice ] Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning G.I....
is gonna be wearing green in the jungle.
Why? Because it matches with the green. I don't know.
The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me. Thank you.
Here's a little news flash comin' your way right now. [ lmitating Teletype ]
We can't afford the teletype. Here it is, comin' for you right now. Quick news flash.